Deflated and depersonalised

Hi everyone. This is my first time here. I have been meditating for approximately 1 year now and I feel deflated and depersonalised.

I've never had any interest in spirituality or anything related until this year. Now i feel like i have an instinctual drive to become enlightened. Actually, it more than instinctual. It feels forced upon me. I just want to live a simple and humble life and settle down with a girlfriend etc. But i can't! It's like im in some kind of stalemate and every thought i have leads to some kind of paradox. Even typing this feels somewhat paradoxical.

I come home from work and sit alone every evening feeling ostracised by pretty much everything and everyone around me.

Will it happen? Will it not? I couldn't really give a toss anymore. Awareness can jump through its own hoops lol. Ok. that doesn't make much sense but that's how i feel.

Has anyone experienced the same thing? Do you feel like you are just a puppet on a string?

So you want to become enlightened and you feel deflated and depersonalised.
Sounds like you are making great progress .

I have no clue what you think enlightenment might be and if it exists even, but since you seem
like you don't have much else to wonder about you could wonder why you are expecting something,
and what that something might be, and off course who is expecting.

If you were still under the impression a thing like free-will actually exists, the falling away of
what used to govern your existence can seem quite negative, it'll probably pass.

Welcome to limbo i guess .

If you really want to live a simple and humble life with a girlfriend, "getting enlightened" can get
in the way quite a bit. You could very well end up living humbly and simple with a girlfriend, yet
expecting it to happen to you might not be the thing which could make such a thing happen.

I guess you could try to convince yourself of something, and if that doesn't work just wait and
see if the strings will make the puppet depersonalise with feeling depersonalised.

Hi Gooseone. Thanks for the taking the time to reply.

Welcome to limbo i guess

- Yeh it certainly feels like limbo.

I guess theres nothing to do but ride it out. If it happens it happens if it doesn't it doesn't.

What frustrates me the most is that i am more than willing to become a monk or live in a cave or do whatever it is i have to do. However, i have debts and any attempt to pay off my debts seem to fail. So then i decide i just want to move on and live a normal life but then i feel like im forced back onto the path. So what's going on here? Why can't my mind make up it's own mind? How and where does this internal conflict arise?

Anyway, these are rhetorical questions i guess. It's just a painful process and of course there is no one to talk to about this sort of stuff.

Thanks again

Yea, well it is difficult, and nobody can make those decisions for you. I find that there are a lot of people to talk to about these things. I didn't at first but as I began talking to people more and more stuff comes out.

But yea, it is sometimes tempting to go be a monk or live in a cave, in order to "get in touch with God".
For me, god is a part of me, and I am a part of god. So the one I really need to get in touch with is myself. That way you can participate in this great ocean of abundance which we call "God", "Unified Feild" whatever you want to call it.

I don't that that living in a cave meditating and contemplating has the potential to bring you any closer or further from god that you already are. You have the ability to meditate in your own home just as much as you do anywhere else. The difference is there are no distractions, and your experience of yourself is more or less the only thing you have to distract you.

I would say to check out HoloSync or NeuroProgrammer ( links on the side ) to help you with meditation, awareness and consciousnesses.


( I know I didn't address everything you've said, that's all I can say on that though)

Although i an not very fond of modern economics, when you live an honest
life, a debt usually means that you willingly agreed to service a promise.
Seeing your attempts to pay them off fail it seems you are right where you need to be
at this time.
A friend of mine used to mention that extensively when i was feeling very stuck where i were,
and he was proven quite right looking back.

As you mentioned , you felt like personal will was leaving you, which isn't always a bad
thing, yet if you still hold expectation towards the future or if you are convinced everything
should make complete sense through you mind it makes sense that things might seem
highly conflicting.

It is therefore probably not helping to mention that consciously not holding expectation or
eagerly awaiting things to "happen" is also not very aiding seeing such things are still a
conscious effort.

I would guess you are probably aware where can find the source of your conflict, so seeing
a conflict usually consists of two parts not able reconcile with each other. If you would take
an honest look at both parts, which one seems to hold the higher truth and which one hasn't
got any inherent reality ?

Good luck !

andorxor wrote: Hi everyone. This is my first time here. I have been meditating for approximately 1 year now and I feel deflated and depersonalised.

I've never had any interest in spirituality or anything related until this year. Now i feel like i have an instinctual drive to become enlightened. Actually, it more than instinctual. It feels forced upon me. I just want to live a simple and humble life and settle down with a girlfriend etc. But i can't! It's like im in some kind of stalemate and every thought i have leads to some kind of paradox. Even typing this feels somewhat paradoxical.

I come home from work and sit alone every evening feeling ostracised by pretty much everything and everyone around me.

Will it happen? Will it not? I couldn't really give a toss anymore. Awareness can jump through its own hoops lol. Ok. that doesn't make much sense but that's how i feel.

Has anyone experienced the same thing? Do you feel like you are just a puppet on a string?

Your puppet on a string comment reminds me of one of the most valuable teaching I ever got. it was maybe 10-12 yrs ago
I was doing a long meditation (used to sit for hrs, don't do it now) and I got a vision of me (my human self) sitting in a circular room with white walls like a cinema screen, then I was shown I had strings coming from me like a puppet, the message that I got was " its your higher self that is controlling what appears on the screen and more importantly how you / I react".
Then the screen came to life and I was watching an image of my father walking along a corridor towards me, (I didn't have a good relationship with my father for my first 30yrs) the image showed him drunk, and I was told "feel your reactions" and I could feel my emotions starting to bubble in various chakra's. Then I was told "observe how you are reacting to an image and the memory that you have attached to that image. All that you see is outside of you, your feelings and emotions are within you, what is outside of you is as real as the image you have just watched even if you can touch it or hold it, it will end, what feelings you experienced within are real for you.

The teaching in this is how I am responsible for my inner reactions to my outside world. also given the law of like to like if I want to remain peaceful I need to know and see what is not peace within me and how life is showing this to me on the screen that is my world.

Just a word on being deflated and depersonalized, it's your ego that gets deflated and that can be expected as you advance on your spiritual journey, and if you are choosing your spirit self over your human self (because a dead human body will not be enlightened) depersonalization will be "par for the course" too, as it's your spirit self that is enlightened and your spirit self has no person attached . This is a decision that all have to make on a spiritual journey do we want to be a person or spirit, living or dying !.